All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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