I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
