I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
