Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
