Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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