she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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