i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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