I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
