apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
