We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize