I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
