How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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