Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize