who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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