Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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