got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
