If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
