Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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