My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
