3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
