so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
