I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
