Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
