You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
