Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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