i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
