drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
