Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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