Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
