I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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