part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Houston, we have a blender
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
