the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
