So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
