I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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