I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
