Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
