So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize