If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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