if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I deserve this hangover.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
