I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
