I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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