I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
