Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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