I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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