i think my mom watched the whole time
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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