We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
