I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
