a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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