you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
