I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
