just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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