Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
