Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
