i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
