It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
