I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize