She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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